The day and life of the cullen's
by WarmBodie
Summary: Bella, Alice, Rosalie, Emmett, Edward and jasper are all human and get up to crazy and weird stuff :D please review
1. New house

*Alice comes in after her doctor's appointment*

Rosalie: How was the doctor?

Alice: well the doctor told me to do something that gets me slightly out of breath, so I've started smoking again.

*Bella comes in the living room where Rosalie and Alice are*

Bella: okay guys were having turkey for dinner

Alice& Rosalie: YAY

*1 Hour later*

Bella: Well that's the bird stuffed and plucked all that's left is to kill it

Alice: Bella you idiot you were suppose to pluck it then kill it and then stuff it.

Rosalie: *LAUGHING*

rosalie: I'll show you how to cook, all you need is a takeaway menu and a phone

Alice: Chinese it is then

*Next day*

Alice: hey guys did you know that tired, lost and confused are the three dwarfs that failed the audition.

Bella: No actually that's how a person over 40 feels when there trying to download things from iTunes they feel tired, lost and confused.

*Rosalie comes in the front door*

Rosalie: sorry I was late I had trouble finding a vain

Bella&Alice: Right

Alice: Did you know that there planning to build something, where the twin towers use to stand

Bella: yeah and...

Alice: well there trying to make it terrorist proof personally I thought they should build a giant mosque or even better a runway.

Roslaie: omg yeah cause they can't destroy a mosque because there all religious and stuff lol I totally get that.

Bella: yes we know that Rosalie that's what the joke is, god you're so blonde

Rosalie: I know that I just thought the reader should know just encase there really stupid and stuff.

Alice: Moving on can you believe were moving house tomorrow

Bella: I know well I'm going to go to bed early tonight, night guys

Alice: I might do the same night Rosalie

Rosalie: Night.

*Rosalie starts to sing out loud*

Rosalie: _all by myself, don't want to be all by myself anymore_

Rosalie:_ Lonely I'm so lonely have nobody, to call my own!_

Bella &Alice: GO TO SLEEP ALREADY!

*Next day*

Bella: this house is huge.

Alice: I know, but we have to share the same room though but the room is still massive and we have a bed each.

Rosalie: This room is great, where are you two sleeping.

Alice: this bedroom has 3 beds for a reason.

Rosalie: aww do we have to share, I thought they were just there for show

Bella: yes we have to share now shut up and unpack.

*Night time*

Bella: what the hell are you reading?

Rosalie: the bible its very educatimal

Alice: don't you mean educational

Rosalie: that's what I said educatimal

Alice: Rosaie say education

Rosalie: Education

Alice: now say educational

Rosalie: educatimal

Alice:*face palms*

*Morning*

Rosalie: hey guys guess what?

Alice: *Sigh* what

Rosalie: Big Ben is a radio Ariel, Alton towers is a Russian super computer and Chris Tarrant is android that a Russian president placed in our society to cheapen and degrade us.

Bella: hey Rosalie want to know a Russian sense of irony

Rosalie: sure

Bella: well I heard that for many years both of David blunkcetts eyes were cameras

Alice: CHERIE BALIR IS THE JOKER

Bella: okay, thanks Alice for that random out burst

Rosalie: Did you know Michael Howard in the last election said that you can tell a lot about a country by how the treat their old people, but I always found that you can tell a lot about a country from a guide book and first hand experiences.

Alice: That is so true

Bella: *Laughing*

Alice: well I heard that Italian food was supposed to be the best in the world but as far as I can see, it just looks like bowls of mashed up apples.

Bella: really?

Alice: yeah

Rosalie: I had a friend who was from a Nigerian background and she used to be jealous of her white friends because they could shout at their mums, they would shout things to their mum like, oh shut up, or get out my room you old trout and then my Nigerian friend would go back to her mum and do the same thing and well she was in a coma for six months.

Bella: really?

Rosalie: really, really

Alice: well the Americans, what they've done is they've went to Afghanistan to try and find Osama Bin Laden, now there look for a man with a beard in a country you have to have a beard it's a needle in a haystack, it's like a slapper in Essex you know she's there but which one is she.

Bella: Hey do you guys know what L.D.L.C stands for?

Rosalie: Loser, deviant, leftie and codger

Bella no *LAUGHING*

Alice: Liberal demarcates love cock?

*Bella and Rosalie are laughing*

Rosalie: *in-between breaths* OMG...That...Was...A...Good...One

Bella: actually it stands for liberal demarcates leadership crisis

Rosalie: and...

Bella: well it was heading in a newspaper I just took the first letters of the words to see if you knew what it stood for.

Rosalie: well now we do

Alice: I still prefer liberal demarcates love cock

Bella: we all do Alice, we all do

*Next day*

Alice: hey do you guys know any cliff hanger lines from a political soap opera that will never ever hear being said?

Bella: Hi I'm John F Kennedy I was in the shower did I miss anything?

Rosalie:*LAUGHING*are you trying to seduce me Lady Thatcher?

Alice:*LAUGHING* or how about things George Galloway would never say?

Bella: No comment

Rosalie*LAUGHING* you're right he would never say that

Bella: I can't wear that it looks stupid

Alice:*LAUGHING*I'm very famous in the Muslim world, for being an arse

Rosalie:*LAUGHING*oh enough about me, how was your day?

Alice &Bella:*LAUGHING*

Bella: were so right George Galloway would never say any of those things

Alice: or words you would never hear from a news reader

Bella: welcome to cannel five news, THICKOS

Rosalie*LAUGHING*you've been watching sky weather; I would start double-checking everything you just heard.

Alice: Welcome to ITV news...on ice

Rosalie: so so true well let's go to bed.


	2. Panini Panic

*Morning* 

Rosalie: morning guys, I'm going to do that game that Emma did yesterday, the one where you 

take the first letter of some words from a newspaper heading

Alice: okay what are the letters?

Rosalie: B.O.F.A

Alice: bob's Oder free armpits?

Bella:*LAUGHING* Bob, oh fuck Africa

Rosalie:*LAUGHING* why are you guys assuming that b stands for bob?

Alice: well wouldn't you?

Rosalie: well yeah

Alice: well then, is it umm Britney on fags again

Rosalie:*LAUGHING* no actually I don't know what it stands for

Alice: Helpful

Bella: all this talk on famine makes you a pit peckish don't it?

Rosalie: we're not talking about famine

Bella: oh...

Bella: well apparently to stay healthy you're supposed to have 5 fruit a day, I do that I had half a packet of starbursts.

Alice: healthy much Bella

Bella: I heard people were a bit down on asbos, but we got to remember this is really the only qualifications that some kids are going to get.

Rosalie: Bye

Alice: where are you going?

Rosalie: I'm leaving you

Alice: what?

Rosalie:*sigh* you're not satisfying my urges ,I'm going to have to leave you, I've found better her name is Danielle .

Alice: wtf Rosalie were not a couple, I have Jasper remember?

Rosalie: I know, it was a joke I just wanted to see what you would do, I'm not a lesbian I have Emmett

*Bella, Rosalie and Alice are in the kitchen making Panini's*

Alice: Right okay

Bella: Alice do you want a coke-cola, do you want a coke-cola, if you want a coke-cola let me know before I close the fridge door

Alice: ummm

Bella: well look, I'll close the fridge door now, and if you want one you can get it yourself, Rosalie do you want a coke-cola?

Rosalie: No thanks 

Bella: alright then

Alice: making Panini's is fun

Bella: Alice what did I tell you about using a metal spoon, you'll bruise the dough

Alice: but it's only Panini Bella

Bella: alright now come on let's do this properly 

Bella: Alice are you putting olives in yours?

Alice: yes

Bella: right that's fine, but you'll have to wait because there's only one olive fork and Rosalie is using it right now aren't you Rosalie?

Rosalie: Well actually no I still waiting for my olives to temper 

*Phone rings and Bella answers*

Bella: hello, hello Emmett, yes were fine, how are you, yeah, no I don't want to sit down just tell me what's happened, right right umm, listen Emmett I'm going to have to call you back, yes there here with me now, no their fine, yes thank you I'm fine, and Emmett thank you I know it wasn't an easy call to make thank you bye.

Bella:*sigh* Alice , Rosalie I've got something to tell you

Bella: you know my husband Edward left for Paris this morning on business 

*Rosalie and Alice shake their heads*

Bella: that was Emmett, Edward's European PA; I've got some bad news, Edward hasn't been able to find any good brie this trip

*Rosalie and Alice are shocked*

Alice: but Bella it's the school picnic tomorrow 

Bella: I know Alice, I know

Chloe: has he tried le bon Marché 

Bella: yes of course Rosalie, he tried le bon Marché 

Alice: I think we have some wenslydale left over from Mike's christening 

Bella: oh Alice doesn't be so silly it's a Parisian picnic; do you want all the other children to laugh at you?

Alice: No

Bella: well of course you don't, come on guys think

Rosalie: what about some Roquefort, that always goes well with some good bread 

Bella: well done Rosalie that's good, okay panic over

Rosalie: what are you laughing at?

Alice: we just had a melt down over cheese

Bella: I know right?

Alice: Right okay, are you coming shopping then?

Rosalie: sure lets go

Rosalie& Alice : bye Emma


	3. poundland disaster

*Alice and Rosalie arrive at pound land*

Rosalie: it's a load of rubbish isn't

Alice: it's a pound shop Rosalie

Rosalie: what a load of old shit

Alice: Rosalie

Rosalie: I wouldn't give them anything for any of it

Alice: well come on then, let's go

Rosalie: Nooo, hang on what's this?

Alice:*Sigh* it's a ping-pong ball Rosalie

Rosalie: what a load of old shit, how much is it?

Alice: It's a pound Rosalie

Rosalie: how much is this love?

Alice:*sigh* it's a pound

Rosalie: excuse me I'm talking

Shopkeeper: It's a pound

Rosalie: everything's a pound, well that's not that bad is it, oh that's very reasonable, I don't know where I'd put it all, but I'd take all off your hands for a pound

Alice: no Rosalie it's a pound per item

Rosalie: What each?

Shopkeeper: every single thing is a pound, it's a pound shop

Rosalie: 20 shillings, oh that's scandalous that is.

Rosalie: how much is that?

Alice:*sigh* it's a pound

Rosalie: what is it?

Alice: it's a garden gnome

Rosalie: what does it do?

Alice: sits in your garden

Rosalie:*sigh* I'll take a couple of them then, they don't need anything do they

Alice: come on Rosalie we've got to go

Rosalie: hang on what's this?

Alice: jam jars, you don't want them

Rosalie: how much are they?

Alice: there a pound

Rosalie: for all 3 of them

Alice: yup you get three for a pound

Rosalie: ooh

Alice: what do you want jam jars for? Come on Rosalie we got to go

Rosalie: hehe little dog, I'll have a couple of them jam jars, can't have too many jam jars

Alice: hurry up

Rosalie: now let me see, are they all in threes are they, meh i could do with four

*Rosalie and Alice go over and pay for the jam jars*

Shopkeeper: do you need a bag?

Shopkeeper: do you need a bag?

Rosalie: what?

Shopkeeper: do you need a carrier bag?

Rosalie: of course I need a carrier bag, where do you think I'm going to carry them on my head?

Shopkeeper: that's a pound and a penny please

Rosalie: what?

Alice: Rosalie they charge for carriers because everything is only a pound in the first place

Rosalie: what a pound for a carrier

Alice: no Rosalie the jam jars are a pound, the carrier is a penny

Rosalie: you've got to pay for the carriers?

Alice: I've got a pound and a penny

Rosalie: what, don't you dare, I'm not going to take money off of you

Shopkeeper: do you want the carrier or not?

Rosalie: oh fucking chill out, let's have a look at these jam jars

Shopkeeper: look, excuse me madam, but there's a queue if you want to look at the jam jars can you go and stand over there?

Rosalie: I haven't got time to be standing around anywhere, I've got a appointment, people have got better things to do than shifting through old crap in here, come on Alice you're making me late

Rosalie: WHAT A LOAD OF OLD SHIT!

*Alice and Rosalie arrive back home*

Bella: how did shopping go?

Rosalie: great, I got three jam jars for a pound and two garden gnomes for 2 pounds, that shop is great we have to go again Alice .

Alice: * sarcastically* yeah sure

*Next day*

Rosalie: it's my birthday, it's my birthday, can I ask for something

Bella: okay number 1-it's not your birthday and 2- I'm kind of afraid of what you're going to ask us

Rosalie: RUB MY FEET WITH LOATION!

Alice: eww no, get Emmett to do it

Rosalie: okay

Bella: Rosalie you're pasty

Rosalie: uuh thanks I think

Bella: no it's okay; I like pasty people they remind me of Colgate toothpaste, that way when I brush my teeth I always think about them.

Alice: well Bella, you're beautiful you remind me of a rotting turtle.

Bella: WELL IM BELLA CULLEN AND I SAY FUCK YOU!

Alice: Okay

Bella: no back to the lust in your eyes.

Alice: I'm going to bed night

Rosalie: me too

*Bella starts to sing out loud*

Bella:_ Alone again, naturally, now looking back over the years and whatever else that appears_

Rosalie: SHUT UP!

*morning*

*Bella, Alice and Rosalie are all watching a the news, and how the pope does not like gay marriage TV*

Alice: well the new pope, not exactly in favour is he, he's not in favour of a few things he recently described condoms being sinful, how come we've got to the stage where people who never have sex are telling those people who do have sex, how to have sex, I mean the pope's there as he says homosexuality is unnatural, surely the most unnatural thing in the world is people have not any sex what's so ever.

Rosalie: yeah that is true

Bella: I agree


	4. OMG WERE ALL CURSED

*Afternoon*

Bella:*sigh*

Alice: what's wrong?

Bella: well it's this game that I made up where you find an answer to a question and once you have the answer you have to guess what the question is

Alice: mmh well what's the answer

Bella: A streaker, a stalker and a defrocked priest

Alice: is it, what we need to get to get a party started

Bella: no

Alice: umm what was the hugely unpopular follow up to the lion, the witch and the wardrobe?

Bella:*laughing* No, I don't think so

Alice: I don't know then

Bella: it's the three unwanted and banded guests in tennis

Alice: right, well bye now

*Night*

Alice: what are you so sad about?

Rosalie: I smashed my jam jars

Alice: do I want to know how

Rosalie: well I was polishing the cupboards and well I picked them up and well they looked really horrible so I smashed them on the ground

Alice: well that was clever

Rosalie: oh well we can get some more another time night night Alice and Bella

Alice &Bella: night

*Morning*

Rosalie: BETWEEN 19 AND 23

Alice: what

Rosalie: that is the answer but what is the question

Bella: where the postman puts mail for number 27?

Rosalie: No

Alice: how many people actually care about the environment, I mean they **actually** care, they don't say they care, actually care, and let's face it we all have bigger and more tropical fish to fry.

Rosalie: no actually it's the number of English counties' that are more likely to be underwater in 100 years time.

Bella: oh well who cares we don't live in England.

*Afternoon*

Bella: Hey guys, do you know any discarded titles for the next harry potter book?

Rosalie: Harry potter and the wet dream

Alice &Rosalie:*LAUGHING* Things a French person would never say

Bella: I'll have a bottle of wine and a dairylea dunker please

Alice: * in a French accent* you're English how nice to meet you

Alice:*sigh* I'm going for a walk are you guys coming?

Rosalie &Bella: yeah sure

*Night*

Rosalie: okay Alice if life gives you lemons what do you do?

Alice: keep em cause, hey free lemons

Bella: make lemonade ?

Rosalie: forget it

Alice: everything in this room is edible

Bella: no it's not

Alice: even I'm edible, but that my friend's is called cannibalism.

Bella: right, well off to bed

*Morning*

Bella: morning guys

Rosalie &Alice: morning

Bella: is it cold outside?

Rosalie: ehh not very

Bella: I can tell its cold outside, because it's cold in here. it's got to be cold outside if it's cold in here, I mean it stands to reason don't it, if it's cold in here, it's got to be cold outside and it is cold in here so it must be cold outside.

*Alice& Rosalie look confused*

Bella: put a couple of bars on that fire if you like?

Rosalie: no were alright actually

Bella: no I don't mind, go on

*Alice goes over to the fire and the living room starts to warm up a little*

Bella:*breaths heavily* it's hot, I'm roasting! Oh I can't breathe in here it's so warm, I have to take a pair of these tights off

*Alice switched off the fire*

Bella: she was here today

Rosalie: who's that?

Emma: Jessica

Alice: oh good

Bella: yeah she's from, from somewhere

Alice: is she

Bella: oh yeah definitely, what is Czechoslovakia, or Bulgaria it's one of them odd counties anyway

Alice: Poland

Bella: who is it?

Alice: she's from Poland

Bella: yeah well, I don't like her accent

Alice: why not

Bella: I said to her, look I'm not being funny, I don't mean nothing by it, but I don't want you coming here no more if you don't mind

Alice: Bella you didn't?

Bella: she said to me Mrs Cullen you mustn't be so proud, I said what are you talking about? She said do you not want me coming up here no more because you feel you're independence slipping away, I said no I don't want you coming here no more because you're a fucking thief

Alice: Bella she's not stealing from you

Bella: what are you talking about? Of course she is, I watched her when's he thinks I'm not looking, she fills a bag

Alice: no she doesn't

Bella: she says oh I'm away to do you're ironing for you , and I'm like oh okay, she was stuffing everything in her bag, it's wonder I've got a stitch of clothing to call my own

Alice: she's not taking your clothes

Bella: she's stealing my food as well

Alice: I doubt it

Bella: she's stealing my food, I mean I wouldn't mind her grabbing something to eat, I always say to her would you like a nice corn beef sandwich now that you're here? And she's like oh no thanks, and then when my backs turned she's fucking shoving it down her

Alice: she's from social services

Bella: cunning little bastard

Alice: she'll properly make a complaint now

Bella: good, let her dirty lowlife*LAUGHING*

Alice: it's not funny Bella

Bella: oh shut up, you've given me ear ache

Alice: Bella seriously you can't go around making complaints about people when they've done nothing wrong

*Bella puts the TV on*

Bella: it's my programme, oh have you seen this, I love it I do, that fat girl from emmerdale, huge big frame

Alice: you've been framed?

Bella: oh.

*Bella, Alice and Rosalie are in the kitchen*

Rosalie: guys I just dropped the egg cleaver on the floor

Bella: Rosalie you really are a silly sausage, pop it on the side and Jasper can put it in the dishwasher when he gets home from walking max.

Rosalie: but Bella you don't understand Alice hasn't topped her egg yet.

*Dramatic music in the background*

Bella: oh crisis, oh pass me the phone Rosalie, maybe we can catch him, come on silly boy never has his mobile phone on, Oh Jasper what luck we've caught you, look were having a bit of a situation right here

Alice: Bella my egg can't breathe; I think it's going to discolour

Bella: Alice I know just calm down, Jasper what is the shortest fastest cycle on the dishwasher, 6 minutes on thank goodness and how soon can you get here

Rosalie: tell him to take public transport

Bella: oh that's good thinking Rosalie, JASPER TAKE A TAXI AND GET HERE AS SOON AS YOU CAN!

Alice: Bella my egg!

Bella: and call the school and tell them we won't be at school today, now calm down were going to be okay here

Alice: Bella will jasper be okay

Rosalie: he's bound to worry about you, he's only human, but there's nothing we can do about that right now.

Alice: no, DO YOU THINK WERE CURSED!

Bella: OH MY GOD WERE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Rosalie: now I don't want you guys to panic, were just going to have to be brave and sit this one out

*Dramatic music ends*

Alice: we don't go to school

Bella &Rosalie:*LAUGHING*


	5. Don't be redidculous im and estate agent

_*Afternoon*_

_Bella: ALICE!_

_Alice: yes_

_Bella: I can't find my mobile _

_Alice: oh_

_Bella: I had it just a second ago, it's like Beirut in here, can you call it form yours?_

_Alice: yes, what are we going to do with you eh?_

_Bella: shh just let me listen_

_*Phone rings*_

_Bella:*SCREAMS*_

_Bella: gosh it made me jump_

_Alice: Right_

_*Night*_

_Alice: I love Easter don't you? Hot cross buns, Easter eggs_

_Rosalie: I always eat too many _

_Alice: those big old biblical epics on the telly_

_Rosalie: they're a bit long for me_

_Alice: no, no that's always the best bit, lasts the whole afternoon, Ben-Hur I'll never get enough of that. Charlton Heston, all those extras, I saw a documentary about the making of it. _

_Rosalie: did you?_

_Alice: Guess how many extras were in that film?_

_Rosalie: oh..._

_Bella: how many extras to you reckon were in the film Ben-Hur?_

_Rosalie: I haven't seen it all the way through _

_Alice: just guess_

_Rosalie: no idea_

_Alice: you'll never guess_

_Rosalie: exactly_

_Alice: but try_

_Rosalie: Jesus Christ _

_Alice: he was a specking part. How many extras?_

_Rosalie: I don't have a clue_

_Alice: come on, how many bloody extras?_

_Rosalie: I don't know_

_Alice: it doesn't matter just have a guess _

_Rosalie: I can't think_

_Alice: it's just a bit of fun, guess _

_Rosalie: a quarter of a million?_

_Alice: a quarter of a million, in one film, half a million sandals?_

_Rosalie: a thousand _

_Alice: I don't think so_

_Rosalie: 4 thousand?_

_Alice: right, it broke the world record for most extras in a film, how many?_

_Rosalie: 30 thousand_

_Alice: not that many_

_Rosalie: 10 thousand_

_Alice: eight thousand_

_Rosalie: eight thousand, god that's loads _

_Alice: yes it is_

_Rosalie: how many do you think were in gladiator?_

_Alice: oh get a life!_

_*Morning*_

_Rosalie: me and Alice are going shopping bye Bella_

_Bella: bye_

_*Rosalie and Alice arrive at the shopping centre and Alice has lost Rosalie*_

_Alice: excuse me, I've lost my sister_

_Information desk lady: Oh I'm really sorry to hear that, it just creeps up on you at the most peculiar times doesn't? Did she have any good innings?_

_Alice: she's not dead, I just can't find her _

_Information desk lady: Oh my god!*LAUGHS*Oh I'm sorry I thought you meant..._

_Alice: it's okay. We just got split up somewhere along the way_

_Information desk lady: Oh I see*walks away*_

_Alice: sorry is it possible to make an announcement_

_Information desk lady: I don't see why not, what would you like to say about it?_

_Alice: no I mean do you have a speaker system or something?_

_Information desk lady: a speaker system?_

_Alice: yes to make an announcement about my sister _

_Information desk lady: A speaker system to make an announcement about your sister? That would be a waste of money unless she gets lost here on a regular basis _

_Alice: well okay, do you have a meeting point?_

_Information desk lady: well I know some people meet out the front near the bus stops, but there mainly old people._

_Alice: no I mean a meeting point for lost people?_

_Information desk lady: well if there lost they probably won't find it._

_Alice: she'll be 25 at the weekend, I...I just don't know what to do _

_Information desk lady: I wouldn't have a surprise party she doesn't want any sudden shocks at that age, does she?_

_Alice: *Turns around*_

_Information desk lady: does she like muffins?_

_Alice: what?_

_Information desk lady: there are shops selling cookies and muffins._

_Alice: I don't know is there one on this floor?_

_Information desk lady: oh, I'm not sure*Sniffs around*, you can usually smell them can't you?_

_Alice: what the muffins?_

_Information desk lady: no, old people_

_*A tannoy goes off*_

_Tannoy lady: Will Alice Whitlock please go to the third-floor cafe where you're sister Rosalie is waiting for you?_

_Information desk lady: somebody must be lost_

_*Alice and Rosalie head home*_

_*Afternoon*_

_Alice: I have to go and show Mike and his wife Jessica a house today so bye_

_Bella: Alice you can't go your half pissed_

_Alice: they won't mind, tell Jazzy to get more alcohol bye now_

_*Alice arrives at the show house*_

_Mike: oh this is nice_

_Jessica: it is nice, it's very nice_

_Home owner: thank you I think it's nice_

_Alice: Nice, it's certainly nice; it's very, very nice. I've just been out in the garden and I'll tell you something, they've made it very nice_

_Home owner: thank you. It was overgrown when we bought it, but terry is very good with plants _

_Alice: terry you're husband? Maaaa, fancy making an offer?_

_Mike: well we haven't..._

_Alice: it's on for..., what's it on for?_

_Home owner: £250,000_

_Alice: is it really?_

_Home owner: yes, you valued it for us._

_Alice: did I really?_

_Home owner: yes, it's very competitively priced for the market_

_Alice: thank you_

_Home owner: You're welcome _

_Alice: she'll take 240 for it, because you're going to have to spend a couple of thousand on it just to get rid of the smell of...*Sniffs* Sex!_

_Mike: could we uhh... look around?_

_Alice: oh it's pretty standard. Three bedrooms well two and one cupboard you could stick a kid in. Have you got any children?_

_Jessica: No_

_Alice: Really? I'm sorry. Me and my big mouth!_

_Mike: No, it alright. We can have children, we just decided against it*coughs nervously* _

_Alice: Right_

_Home owner: why don't I show you the kitchen? _

_Alice: ok. Thank you_

_Jessica*Gasps* oh I love those units!_

_Mike: chrome works so well in here, I love it_

_Home owner: thank you_

_Alice: Jesus Christ! What the hell have you done in here?_

_Home owner: terry put them in_

_Alice: terry your husband?_

_Home owner: before he left_

_Alice: aww!_

_Mike: I think there great love a bit of chrome in the kitchen._

_Alice: oh well that will explain the no children policy then,_

_Jessica: I'm sorry?_

_Alice: well you know what they say about a man who likes chrome in his kitchen._

_Mike: No, what do they say?_

_Alice: likes a bit of cock up his arse_

_Mike: you have a bad attitude and a filthy mind._

_Alice: I thank you, do you dream about it? Do you dream about it?_

_Mike: Now look..._

_Alice: No kids, drives a big black Cherokee jeep, likes a bit of chrome not to mention the cheap aftershave and the cropped hair. YOU BIG OLD BENDER!_

_Mike: you are a disgrace to your profession_

_Alice: don't be so ridiculous, I'm an estate agent!_


	6. Dried shitache mushrooms ?

*Its morning and Rosalie, Alice, Bella, Edward, Jasper and Emmett signed up to go on a theatre trip*

Alice: what's this thing were going on again ?

Bella: Theatre trip, its gonna be well good

Emmett: No it won't its gonna be well boring

Rosalie: I reckon it will be all right

Emmett: yeah, it will be a laugh won't it ?

Rosalie: yeah

Alice: omg what is she wearing, I am not walking down the street with her looking like that

Rosalie: that is well shameful

Miss Bain: How are we all, are we looking forward to a good slice of culture?

Alice: Miss?

Miss Bain: were all in for a treat today

Alice: Miss?

Miss Bain: I'm going to give you you're tickets now

Alice: Miss?

Miss Bain: I want you to all look after them

Alice: Miss?

Miss Bain: I don't want you to lose them, yes Alice?

Alice: Miss, I'm not being funny or nothing but have you seen what you've got on?

Miss Bain: are you suggesting that I don't know what I'm wearing Alice?

Alice: I don't know miss, I thought someone had thrown it at you or something

Miss Bain: well I think it's nice to make an effort once in a while

Alice: no I don't think it is miss, you going out in the streets like that miss?

Miss Bain: Gather all you're belongings

Alice: but are you going out on the streets like that though?

Miss Bain: Yes Alice?

Alice: omg what is that you've got on your feet, I'm too scared to look

Miss Bain: I think it's nice to let you're feet breathe

Jasper: are you a christen miss?

Miss Bain: Jasper, get you're things together

Jasper: but are you thought miss?

Miss Bain: we don't have time for this

Jasper: right, but are you a christen though?

Jasper: is the lord you're shepherd miss?

Miss Bain: sorry?

Jasper: but is he you're shepherd though?

Miss Bain: I beg you're pardon?

Alice: have you got Jesus in you're heart miss?

Miss Bain: what?

Alice: is he in your heart miss?

Miss Bain: Alice!

Alice: why do you wear clothes like that then?

Miss Bain: Alice!

Jasper: do you like cliff Richard miss?

Miss Bain: Jasper!

Alice: are you the vicar of dibley miss?

Miss Bain: Alice!

Alice: but are you the vicar of dibley though?

Miss Bain: no of course not

Jasper: are we your flock?

Miss Bain: what?

Jasper: are we your flock though?

Miss Bain: No!

Alice: have you got a friend in Jesus miss?

Miss Bain: oh for goodness sake!, I don't understand why you two do this

Alice: I don't understand why you wear that

Miss Bain: Alice!

Alice: I don't give miss

Miss Bain: Alice

Alice: don't give miss

Miss Bain: Alice

Alice: don't give

Miss Bain: but…

Jasper: SHE SAID SHE DOESN'T GIVE!

Miss Bain: RIGHT!,ALICE AND JASPER YOU TWO ARE NOT GOING ON THE

TRIP!

Alice: but are we bothered though?

Miss Bain: not another word!

*Afternoon*

Emmett: bye Rosalie ,I'm away to get my monthly check-up, oh and jasper is coming to

Rosalie: bye Hunny

Jasper: bye darlin

Alice: bye jazz

*Emmett arrives at the doctors with jasper*

Doctor Bob: right, well I don't think that looks to bad, I think a course of antibiotics should clear that up within a week.

Emmett: yes well you see doctor, I'm very sensitive, I have to be very careful with what I put in my mouth.

Doctor Bob: right, oh Emmett I saved you one of these leaflets, the surgery is starting a gay men's health clinic on the first Monday of every month, I don't know if that's something that would interest you?

Emmett: I beg your pardon?

Doctor Bob: it's a new health clinic on Mondays

Emmett: yes I heard that bit

Doctor Bob: for gay men

Emmett: I beg your pardon, how very dare you, I've never been so insulted

Doctor Bob: every thing said is completely confidential

Emmett: what on earth are you insinuating

Doctor Bob: oh I just always assumed you were gay with him over there

Emmett: gay, dear? Who dear? Me, dear? No, dear and you assume I take it up the arse with him? I'm married to a woman so is he. HOW VERY DARE YOU!

Doctor: I apologies unreservedly

Emmett: GOOD DAY

Doctor: umm Emmet your umm

Emmett: it's a men's sponge bag, come on jasper were off

*Night*

*That night Alice and jasper went out for a meal, then came back to the house very unhappy*

Alice& Jasper: Omg

Bella: what's wrong with you two ?

Jasper: well, you might think you've heard everything but listen to this

Alice: well I don't know where to start

Jasper: well where do you start?

Alice: we were on our way to the restaurant, but didn't know where the hell it was, so we stopped for directions and well apparently the restaurant was burned down 3 years ago.

Rosalie: Omg what did you do instead

Jasper: well when I asked some people for directions, Alice noticed a small pub behind them. So since the restaurant had been burnt down and we were both starving we just decided to go into the pub.

Alice: it looked alright from the outside didn't it ?

Jasper: oh famous last words

Alice: so we go in and there's a sign saying it was, what did they call it again?

Jasper: a gastroupub, don't ask

Alice: so we sit down and look at he menu, well the first thing we look at on the menu is mushroom soup well, jasper liked the sound of that didn't you jazz?

Jasper: yeah not for long, then Alice read what was in it, when she read what kind of mushrooms they were.

Alice: this is unbelievable, what were they called ?

Jasper: dried shit-ache mushrooms

Alice: you went mad didn't you?

Jasper: dried shit-ache mushrooms

Alice: you don't want that in soup do you?

Jasper: shit-ache mushrooms dried, I mean I've ate everything to squid and gammon and pineapple but I'm not eating anything with dried shit in the title. The dirty bastards. Come on Ali were going to bed.

*Emmett and Rosalie go to bed that night and Rosalie has some news for Emmett*

Rosalie: I've not told you about today have I?

Emmett: what's been happing?

Rosalie: I can't believe I've not told you about today

Emmett: told me what?

Rosalie: have I told you already?

Emmett: told me what babe?

Rosalie: no, I must of told you

Emmett: you ain't told me nothing

Rosalie: you are going to die

Emmett: what is it?

Rosalie: I might as well phone the ambulance now, cause you are gonna die

Emmett: come on you got to tell me now

Rosalie: I ain't told you have I ?

Emmett: come on, what have you done this time ?

Rosalie: lunchtime right, I'm out with Kerry and gay Simon, and were on our way to Gino's. we get there and Kerry says she doesn't want anything to eat, cause she's doing the Atkins, and all she wants is a packet of extra-strong mints.

Rosalie: so I said, well I'm not that fussed about eating either, 'cause I'd gone mad and had a M&S wheat-germ tricolore for me breakfast. Then gay Simon says in that case he doesn't want anything either cause he didn't want to eat on his own

Emmett: what, so nobody wanted anything to eat?

Rosalie: nobody wanted anything to eat and were stood outside Gino's like a bunch of nutters!

Emmett: No!

Rosalie: as usual Kerry is the first to start laughing, I said I hope you ain't laughing at me Kerry Baxter, Baxter ain't her real name but she doesn't talk to her dad no more so she thought she might as well change it.

Rosalie: meanwhile gay Simon is laughing so much he's collapsed

Emmett: No!

Rosalie: he has collapsed!

Rosalie: it's 1.00 the three of us are standing outside Gino's, no one's eating and were racked with agony. So Kerry decides shell go and get her mints form the newsagent so me and gay Simon go with her, Kerry gets her mints, gay Simon gets a newspaper and I bought a scratch card

Emmett: oh here we go

Rosalie: I know

Emmett: millionaires are we now?

Rosalie: oh shut up, your going to spoil it

Emmett: should I book the holiday now?

Rosalie: stop it, I'm going to wet myself, so were in the shop, I'm doing my scratch card, gay Simon is reading his newspaper and Kerry is asking the man behind the counter if there's any carbohydrates in a strawberry mini-milk, then I look down at my scratch card I've only got three pound symbols, so I give the card to the man behind that counter and he says I ain't won and the symbols have all got to be in a straight line.

Emmett: what they weren't in a straight line babe?

Rosalie: no one was in the corner one was next to it and I can't remember where the other one is , well we have gone off, gay Simon has doubled up, I'm screaming like a witch and Kerry's got strawberry mini-milk coming out of her nose, it was bedlam.

Emmett: why does it always happen to you?

Rosalie: I don't know!


	7. I am a strong and independent woman

*Bella, Edward, Alice, Jasper,Rosalie and Emmett all go out for lunch, and are not sitting in traffic*

Emmett: yummy what a good lunch

Rosalie: yeah

Edward: mmh

*Alice starts to whistle*

Emmett: do you mind Alice?

Alice: sorry

*Edwards mobile begings to ring*

Edrward: sorry I thought I switched it off

Emmett: unbelievable

*Emmett farts*

Edward: I'm sorry bella, would you mind moving down, its very claustrophobic in here.

Emmett: what does claustrophobic mean ?

Jasper: it means that Edward is afraid of santa

Emmett: HO HO HO !

Jasper: stop it emmett your scaring him

*Bella is in Alice and Jasper's room nosing about*

Bella: oh, my god truffles!

*Bella sniffs the box*

Bella: oh, my god that's better than sex!,

*Bella turns on the Tv*

Man on Tv: so basically ask yourself three questions; are you stressed out at work

*Bella Nods*

Man on Tv: do you feel undervalued?

*Bella nods*

Man on Tv: Do you want to change the pattern of failure in your life and enjoy the sweet smell of success?

*Bella nods*

Man on Tv: okay, now don't think about this, just do it sit down and make yourself comfortable or even better lie down if you can. Okay are you feeling comfortable?

Bella: hold on

Man on Tv: first of all, I need you to close your eyes and take a deep breath in and out, you're feeling sleepy,very sleepy now repeat after me my name is….. And say your name

Bella: my name is and say your name

Man on Tv: I am a strong and independent woman and I will be soon be smelling the sweet smell of success

Bella: I am a strong and idependent woman and I will be soon be smelling the sweet scent of success

Man on Tv: my days of feeling undervalued are over

Bella: my days of feeling undervalued are over

Man on Tv: from now on, I'm going to fulfil my fool potential and walk the walk and talk the talk

Bella: from now on, I'm going to fulfil my fool potential and walk the walk and talk the talk

Alice: BELLA WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON MY BED EATING MY TRUFFILS!

Bella: I'm a strong-smelling woman and I will soon be sucking the independence sweets!

Alice: what?

Bella: my days of feeling overvalued are under!

Alice: what the hell are you talking about

Bella: from now on I'm going to feel potentially full with a talkie-walkie and a walkie-talkie

Alice: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!

*Its night time and jasper has been called out to investagate a murder*

Jasper: bye Ali ill see ya soon

Alice: Bye Jazz

Police officer 1: this must be him then ?

Jasper: good evening Jasper Whitlock the new DI.

Police officer: sir

Jasper: right what have we got ?

Police Officer: umm body of a woman in her late thirties we think she may be a local….prostitute

Jasper: okay then let's take a look, right do we know how she died?

Police officer: erm several wounds to the torso, possibly by a knife

Jasper: multiple entry wounds, looks like quite a frenzied attack. Any sign of the murder weapon?

Police officer: we've not found anything yet sir.

Jasper: do we know how long she's been dead for ?

Police officer: police surgeon reckons no more than a couple of hours

Jasper: so we may have some witnesses?

Police officer: Local lady says she might of seen a white saloon car driving away at speed, sometime after midday.

Jasper: Right, I want a complete house to house within a one mile radius, a cross-reference check on every convicted sex attacker in this area in the last five years and I also want you to unplait the victims hair and put it the way it was and wipe off those cats whicskers. Good night.

**(see whatcing criminal minds did pay off)**


	8. Are you a farmer miss?

*It's morning and Alice heads off to the gym, and Alice is going at a snail's pace on the treadmill*

Gym trainer: is everything okay over there?

Alice: are you talking to me?

Gym trainer: I'm just seeing if everything's all right

Alice: it's rubbish here

Gym trainer: you know you might enjoy it a bit more if you speed up a bit.

Alice:*sighs* are you talking to me again?

Gym trainer: you're going at a snail's pace

Alice: what?

Gym trainer: you're going at a snail's pace

Alice: I ain't got a snail's face

Gym trainer: why don't you just try running?

Alice: are you Kelly Holmes ?

Gym trainer: what I mean is…

Alice: are you Kelly Holmes though?

Gym trainer: look, all I'm trying to say is…

Alice: but is your name Kelly Holmes though?

Gym trainer: look…

Alice: but is your name Kelly Holmes though?

Gym trainer: if you just…

Alice: on your passport right?, on the page marked name does it say Kelly Holmes?

Gym trainer: no my name is not Kelly Holmes

Alice: well shut up then

*Alice speeds up the treadmill*

Gym trainer: well there you go that's a lot better, but I wouldn't go any faster than that

Alice: don't tell me what to do

Gym trainer: but seriously…

Alice: you ain't me though

Gym trainer: I know but…

Alice: but you ain't me thought

Gym trainer: you're going to fast

Alice: am I bothered?

Gym trainer: you're gonna hurt yourself

Alice: I ain't bothered though

Gym trainer: I'm not joking, please slow down

Alice: I ain't bothered though

Gym trainer: please…look

Alice: face…look…face…bothered…snail's face…bothered…Kelly Holmes I ANI'T BOTHERED

*thud*

Gym trainer: are you alright

Alice: yeah I'm fine, my laces came undone, bye now

*Emmett and Jasper go to a movie store to rent some films*

Cashier: that's £20 exactly please

Emmett: 20 pounds, 20 pounds ah here we are dear

Cashier: thanks, erm I don't know if your interested, but we just got tickets for gay pride on sale today

Emmett: I beg your pardon

Cashier: tickets for gay pride

Emmett: how very dare you, I've never been so insulted in my life

Cashier: what do you mean?

Emmett: what on earth are you insinuating

Cashier: I'm just saying we've got tickets for gay pride

Emmett: and how do you know I'm not married with kids ?

Cashier: well are you, I just assumed you were gay with him?

Emmett: omg again, right I'm married to a woman, so is he, we do not fancy each other we are mates and to be quite honest I find you quite impertinent

Cashier: no worries

Emmett: I mean would you ask him if he wanted tickets to this gay party?

Cashier: it's gay pride, and no probably not

Emmett: and why's that?

Cashier: he doesn't look gay

Emmett: right that's it, just because a man takes care of his appearance you don't expect him to be accused of being a back-door derbie. good bye

Cashier: erm your bag

Emmett: shit

Cashier: that's the David Beckham calendar and the best of Judy garland yeah?

Emmett: thank you very much, come on jasper

*Bella and Edward are away to start there new job at a new American restaurant*

Bella: hi guys welcome to BBJ's, I'll be your waitress for today, my name is Bella but my friends call me Zebedee, I'm a fiery taurean with my moon in Uranus careful, I'll do the jokes

Customer 1: can we have some menus please?

Bella: okay guys here's the story of the menus, due to a non-human-based error at head office, we only have Braille menus for yourselves today, but I'm delighted to inform you that table 6 have a blind in their party and I'd be happy to ask if you can borrow him

Customer 2: erm a burger and fries would do be fine, we haven't got all day

Edward& Bella: A-one potato, two potato, three potato, four potato, five potato, six potato seven potato more hey!

Edward: what kind of burgers can I get you guys today?

Customer: well we don't know what kind you've got

Bella: okay guys here's the story of the menus due to a non-human-based error at head office…

Customer 1: yeah we know you've said before, erm we just want regular burgers I guess

Edward: if that everything for yourselves today then?

Customer 2: ooh and fries

Edward& Bella: A-one potato, two potato, three potato, four potato, five potato, six potato seven potato more hey!

Customer 1: do you have to do that every time somebody mentions fires

Edward& Bella: A-one potato, two potato, three potato, four potato, five potato, six potato seven potato more hey!

Bella: we're not forced to, but most servers find it helps create a feeling of fun

Customer: okay sorry were really running out of time can we just get some fires and drinks

Edward& Bella: A-one potato, two potato, three potato, four potato, five potato, six potato seven potato more hey!

Customer 2: erm okay lets just have this then, boogie dog frankfurter hot dog with onions and ranch sauce

Bella: table 3 going for boogie dogs!

*I'm in the mood for dancing plays in the background, and Bella and Edward start to dance*

Customer 1: that's it were leaving!

*Night*

Alice: omg im so arsed with cooking tonight

Jasper: just order a Chinese then?

Emmett: omg no

Jasper: why not it's quick

Emmett: their faces make me feel sick

Alice: Emmett!, that's not very nice

Emmett: so, ha-ha you and jasper have detention tonight

Jasper: shit we got to go

*Alice and Jasper arrive at there collage*

Miss Hassle: right, you two, I'm sure you don't like staying behind any more than I do but until you learn to focus more in class and do the work set for the lesson, you two are going to stay behind and do it in your own time.

Alice: are you a northern miss?

Miss Hassle: excuse me?

Alice: your from the north?

Miss Hassle: do your work Alice

Alice: are you a northern though?

Miss Hassle: why do you ask Alice

Alice: cause you speak funny

Miss Hassle: that's enough

Alice: only a question, can't I ask a question?

Miss Hassle: I'm from Bristol Alice, does that answer your question?

Alice: yeah

Miss Hassle: good

Jasper: are you a farmer miss?

Miss Hassle: Jasper!

Jasper: but are you a farmer though?

Miss Hassle: don't be ridiculous

Jasper: you talk like a farmer

Miss Hassle: carry on with your work jasper

Jasper: but why do you talk like a farmer though?

Miss Hassle: I'm not going to tell you again

Alice: do you live on a farm miss?

Miss Hassle: Alice be quite

Alice: are you the farmer's wife miss?

Miss Hassle: if you don't…

Alice: are you the farmers wife?

Miss Hassle: no I'm not

Jasper: omg, are you Old McDonald miss?

Miss Hassle: don't be…

Jasper: do you know old McDonald miss?

Miss Hassle: stop this

Alice: E-I-E-I-O miss

Miss Hassle: you know perfectly well im not a farmer not get back to work

Jasper: not being funny or anything miss, but you do smell like a farmer

Miss Hassle: that's enough

Alice: is it the pigs swill?

Miss Hassle: right!

Jasper: miss do you eat pig swill?

Miss Hassle: be quite, I am from the north and im not a farmer now let that be the end of it! Now I suggest that you two pick up your books and start reading

Alice: am I bothered, am I bothered though?

Miss Hassle: Alice

Alice: look at my face

Miss Hassle: can you…

Alice: look at my face

Miss Hassle: you…

Alice: is my face bothered?

Miss Hassle: you sound ridiculous

Jasper: you sound like a farmer

Miss Hassle: jasper!

Alice: is he bothered?

Miss Hassle: Alice stop…

Alice: but is jasper bothered though?

Miss Hassle: look now…

Alice: face, look, farmer, face, bothered, face, farmer I ain't bothered

Miss Hassle: right that's it I'm leaving you two can stay here and read

Jasper: miss?

Miss Hassle: what jasper

Jasper: have you got to go a milk the cows miss?


	9. Oh jeeze

*Edward and Bella are in there bed*

Bella: did you speak to Lisa today?

Edward: Nah

Bella: you didn't speak to Lisa at your work today?

Edward: no, I ain't seen her

Bella: oh, not Lisa, wait oh yeah Lisa

Edward: Lisa who?

Bella: I dunno, I don't know her surname

Bella: what is Lisa's surname?

Edward: Lisa who?

Bella: I dunno

Edward: give her a ring

Bella: who, Lisa?

Edward: yeah

Bella: no! I don't want to, she might not even be called Lisa

Edward: oh okay

Bella: I might get us a dog

Edward: what, now?

Bella: no, at the weekend

Edward: what do we want a dog for?

Bella: there good company aren't they

Edward: yeah that's true, what sort of dog are we going to get?

Bella: I thought about the one's with the ears

Edward: they've all got ears

Bella: no! the one's with the big floppy ears, prince Charles spaniel

Edward: oh! Yeah

Bella: hey I just thought…

Edward: what?

Bella: that's a bit much isn't

Edward: what?

Bella: calling a spaniel prince Charles just because it's got big ears

Edward: he's probably used to it by now

Bella: yeah

Edward: no!

Bella: what?

Edward: I'll tell you what, it's not prince Charles spaniel, it's king Charles spaniel

Bella: no, no he's still defiantly only a prince

Edward: no, the dog with the ears is called a king Charles spaniel, not a price Charles spaniel

*laughing*

Edward: what… are… you… like?

Bella: don't… I'm… going… to… pass… out

Edward: what… am… I… going… to… do… with… you?

Bella: oh my god, why… does… it… always… happen… to… me?

Edward: you are a one off

Bella: that was classic me

*laughing*

*jasper has been called out once again to investigate a murder*

Jasper: they say death has many faces, Detective

Detective Jones: do they sir ?

Jasper: oh yeah, facially, you know, it's a thing

Jasper: what's the name of this joker

Detective Jones: Barry whitely sir, he used to work for the Anderson brothers

Jasper: how do you know he still doesn't?

Detective Jones: well because he's dead sir

Jasper: is he?

Detective Jones: yes sir

Jasper: yeah but is he?

Detective Jones: yes sir

Jasper: yeah, but is he really?

Detective Jones: yes sir, he is defiantly dead sir

Jasper: let's look at this from a different angle

Detective Jones: I don't know what you quite mean sir

Jasper: supposed for one minute detective, that none of this exists, you me, we could all be figments of someone's imagination

Detective Jones: whose imagination sir?

Jasper: could be yours, could be mine, it could be old Mrs Hawkins who runs a pie and mash shop down the old Kent road.

Detective Jones: I'm not exactly sure where you're going with this sir?

Jasper: it took Adam and Eve one minute to fall from grace in the garden on Eden, and yet growing out a layered bob can take forever. You haven't got a clue where I'm going with this, have you?

Detective Jones: well…

*Jasper starts to sing*

Jasper: _I'm gonna use my arms, gonna use my legs, gonna use my style, gonna use my senses, gonna use my fingers, gonna use my-my imagination whoa! Cause I'm gonna make you see, there's nobody else here, no one like me I'm special… _Detective ?

Detective Jones: _special…_

Jasper: _so special_

Detective Jones_: special_

Jasper: _I'm going to have some of your attention, give it to me _detective?

Detective Jones: _oh, why do you look so sad?_

Jasper: detective!

Detective Jones: sorry

*Rosalie is a nurse at the local hospital, and is called into her boss's office*

Rosalie: you wanted to see me sister?

Sister Mary: yes Rosalie sit down

Rosalie: I brought you a toffee-flavoured-choco-lite, sister, on the off chance.

Sister Mary: not for me thanks Rosalie, do you know why I have asked you here?

Rosalie: is it about last night?

Sister Mary: yes it is about last night

Rosalie: *sighs*

Sister Mary: it would seem that your birthday stunt may have gone unnoticed had a the Xerox machine not jammed, you can imagine Dr Baker's surprise when, he was trying to photocopy his memos this morning, he was presented with 40 black and white A3 enlargements of your bottom.

Rosalie:*laughs* right I can explain how that came about.

Sister Mary: not only that, it seems that the copier has gone into shock and can print only A3 enlargements of your bottom so explain?

Rosalie: right… what now? Well I mean there was no harm done. You know what us girls are like when we get to together I bet you're a bit of a dark house yourself when you get going

Sister Mary: no I do not Rosalie

Rosalie: sorry sister it was just for the crack

Sister Mary: is that supposed to be funny!

Rosalie: no sister *laughs* oh my god the crack!

Sister Mary: also we've had a complaint from Mr Pod about you

Rosalie: about me?

Sister Mary: something you said while you were giving him a blanket bath

Rosalie: *thinks*

Sister Mary: something about a boat?

Rosalie: oh yeah, sweet mother of Jesus! its like trying to raise the titanic

Sister Mary: I feel like you've let us all done Rosalie, and just you're self, but I have no choice to give you a written warning

*Rosalie starts to sing*

Rosalie: _Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens, Brown paper packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my favourite things_

Sister Mary: Rosalie!

Rosalie: _When the dog bite's, when the bee stings _

Sister Mary: what are you doing?

Rosalie: I was just trying to lighten the situation

Sister Mary: now get back to work

Rosalie: come on, sports guy chest bump, just one

Sister Mary: GET OUT!

*Alice goes out shopping with Edward and are going to try and return a top*

Alice: I've brought this top back, but I bought it from is closed down

Information desk lady: oh, bad luck

Alice: what?

Information desk lady: I hate that. That sort of thing happens to me

Alice: well, what do I do with this, it's the wrong size

Information desk lady: you could wear it over your shoulders with the sleeves knotted

Alice: no you don't understand, it's not good to me, I don't want it

Information desk lady: oh, that's very kind. Erm… I don't think it would suit me

Alice: no, I want to return it to the shop, do you know where they went?

Information desk lady: who's that?

Alice: the people that ran the shop

Information desk lady: well if the shop is closed down, they've probably…just gone home

Edward: well I'm looking for a broken window service, somebody reliable

Information desk lady: well, you won't find anyone who's reliable that brakes window's

Edward: oh, never mind!

*later that day Rosalie, Bella and Alice went to the movies and had a bit of an incident*

Bella: omg, I'm scared to show my face at the cinema again

Jasper: what happened? And what's wrong with Alice?

Bella: Rosalie you explain

Rosalie: well, when we were watching the film, there was a guy behind us making really heavily breathing pervy noises, and well Alice was getting annoyed so she through some popcorn at him

Jasper: what's so wrong with that?

Rosalie: well…

Bella: the guy was in a wheelchair, with a breathing tube attached to him

Jasper: oh…

Bella: oh and that's not even the worst part, when the movie ended the boy collapsed off his wheelchair and had a heart attack and was rushed to hospital

Alice: omg I feel so bag right now

Jasper: it's okay Ali I'm sure he survived it

Alice: I suppose


End file.
